I feel like I’ve been doing mostly the right things since eversince. I’ve been living my life in numbers and using more of my mind than my heart (I tell you its bad if its always like this).

I excelled in academics, did good in sports, have a stable job, and good set of friends and family. When my childhood friends are still playing silly games in their backyards, I already am daydreaming of what I will be 20 years after, when they are still in universities finishing their courses, I am already starting my professional career, when everyone was wondering what they want to do with their life, I already had mine carefully planned out. And the heck, when they were counting girls in their fingers, I opted to stick it out with a girl for years thinking that it was true love, later realizing that its just a severe case of puppy love.

I grew and matured too fast for my own comfort, and I know I’ve missed a lot along the way.

Now, I want to live on the fastlane. I want to act on instincts and gut-feel. I want to see more than what my eyes see now. I want to meet people with souls and not just people. I want to take long walks wherever my feet will take me. I want to experience life for what its worth, and not just live it. And I want to do these with somebody.

Wanted Lab Rat, guinea pig or whatever you want to call it. Somebody to make all the mistakes and craziness with before the right one comes along…or until I’m tired.

I feel that the life I have now is not what I have pictured it to be, although many would probably take my life as it is and exchange it with whatever they have just to have mine. You see, I am a walking contradiction. I give premium to human relationships but I have less. I aspire to be a free-spirited person but my everyday life is planned out, by the numbers. I am passionate with many things but I always come up short, or end up doing nothing at all.

New day, new start.

Starting is always hard to do, in whatever context it may be. But what I am afraid most is the feeling of “being used to” once I am settled in already. Knowing that I can do things perfectly, even with two eyes closed, is something I dread happening. Perfection equates to emptiness

Last week was the birthday of my grandmother. I love my grandparents dearly, they were the one who raised me up, but they are gone. Both of them passed away only days apart…that’s true love I suppose.

Lucky are those who find their soulmate, their one great love.

The woman that made me want to become better, there was only one in my entire life. And after I lost a girl like that, they all became the same to me, its just meaningless repetition. She’s my one true one. My puppy love, my first and last girlfriend, my first kiss, the one I first made love with, the one who swept me off my feet.

I found her, I lost her. Its a cruel truth but our lives are like parallel lines, it will never meet.

And she’s stuck in my mind, now…and for the rest of my stupid life

A lot of people have been looking for their one true love all throughout their lives.

Some succeed, a lot failed.

I envy those who found theirs at an early age. They have each other appreciating, believing, and looking in one direction as they accomplish things as individuals and as soulmates. This makes the travel easier and a lot worthwile.

Have you found yours?

If yes, keep him, keep her…even if you have to move heaven and earth to do this.

I loved her dearly, so much so that I don’t mind my soul burning in hell over and over again.
And I lost her.

Believe me, LOVE is SELFISH.

But then again, being ready to commit is another thing (so I get you).
You’ll know it when you’re ready. You’ll wake up one day and feel something inside you has changed.
It’s when hook-ups is a tiring thing to do already, or when every woman you meet are the same in your eyes. Its when hard-drinking nights with loud friends seem old-fashioned, and long walks or long talks  with somebody becomes more interesting.

And I do hope that when that time comes,
she’ s still there because if she isn’t, and you still “love” her, that will be the greatest regret  you’ll have in your life.

That’s how this works mate. There’s no gray part, only black and white. Its either
you win or you lose.

Weekend. Its the time of the week I feel like I travel through a time machine and go back to the wonderful days I had with her. Of course, I dream about her every now and then, on what could have been and what could never be. She’ll forever be included in my bedtime stories already, and its something I won’t be able to change…at least for now.

But Friday is her day. Its when she runs on my mind most of the time…and I am thinking, damn! she’s one tired lady the whole day coz she keeps running on my mind (okay, time to laugh now, this is a cheesy joke)

What’s on my mind right now?

I vividly remember how I proposed to her years ago. You see, we were childhood friends. I probably knew her already even before I was able to write my name correctly. She was my fist love, but I wasn’t hers.

One day, on one fleeting moment, I gathered up all my courage and five years worth of feelings to tell her that she means a lot to me (which is an understatement as that single moment, she meant everything to me).

I put everything about me on the line, believing that if it was destined, then how I truly feel would be understood. I wasn’t looking for acceptance, but for her to undestand my stupid heart.

But I wasn’t able to get it thru her the way I wanted it to be. Its amazing how after that my heart was completely empty, like how the tide drifts away in the sea. Everything seemed pointless at that instance.

Nonetheless, you all know what happened. Fate was on my side as that girl years back became my woman after sometime, and a complete stranger some years later.

Although my heart feels heavy every now and then when I think about what we had and what we could never have, I am glad I told her how much she meant to me that fateful day as it was the start of a journey I won’t ever forget.

It may not have ended the way I wanted it, but still I was able to experience my own fairytale, and I will never have to ask myself one day when I am grey and old… “what if?”.

And I realized.

Never be afraid to tell her you love her, say it out loud, right there, right now…. or else, the moment just passes you by

I went to Korea 9 years ago as part of our highschool’s student exchange program. While  i was there, I lived with a foster family for a day and night. They were the most gracious host one can meet. They opened their home to me as if I am a long lost  and deeply missed family member. However, after that, for some reaons, I never had any contact with them.

Fast forward to 2008. Last week, I received an email from them asking how am I doing after all these years. I was kind of schocked since I never thought I will be able to be in touch with them again.

It’s a nice feeling when someone you thought you lost already, is actually there. This is one of life’s best surprises.

Life in general is like this. We meet people everyday.  Some we keep in touch with and categorically be part of our life, while most are chance meetings and will soon be forgotten.

In a few weeks time, I’ll be turning a year older.  If the average life expectancy is 71 years for a male, then I just have 47 years to live. Too short for the things I still want to do, really.  So what’s beyond 24? A life full of love and all that comes with it. A life full of mistakes and the lessons I”ll learn from it. A life full of roads to travel and sights to marvel. A life of adventures and excitement.

And then I ask myself…why am I still stuck here?

Bottomline is, I know what I want and I know what to do —  take the risks, see the world, and leave everything to chance — I just can’t muster enough courage to do it, hopefully I will…before I get 24.

In your life, you’ll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There’s the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you’re with …and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away?

I guess it’s that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn’t fall the right way, I suppose. I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a long time partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing.

It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance. How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you’re not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn’t matter who you’re with, it just doesn’t work. Small problems become big; inconsequential become deal breakers simply because you’re not ready and it shows. It’s not that you and the person you’re with are no good; it’s just that it’s not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you’re ready. You really are. And when this happens you’ll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it’ll work because you’re ready. It’ll work because it’s the right time and you’ll make it work. And it’ll make sense, it really will. The day comes when you’re finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want and you’ve become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there’s no telling when this day will come.

Hopefully you’re single… but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn’t matter. All you know is that you’ve changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about. You’ll think about them because you’ll wonder, “What if they were here today?” You’ll wonder, “What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?”

That’s what the one that got away is. The biggest “What if?” you’ll have in your life.

If you’re married, you’ll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you’re mature enough to realize that if you’re already with the one you’re with, that this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you’ll think about him/her every so often, but it’s alright. It’s never nice to live with a “might have been,” but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who’s already married. In which case it’s the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you’re old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it’s different. What do you do if it’s not yet too late? Simple… find him, find her. Because the very existence of a “one that got away” means that you’ll always wonder, what if you got that one? Ask him out to coffee; ask her out to a movie, it doesn’t matter if you’ve dropped in from out of nowhere. You’d be surprised, you just might be “the one that got away” as well for the person who is your “the one that got away.” You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won’t make a difference.

If the timing is finally right, it’ll all just fall into place somehow. And it would be a great feeling, if in the end, you’d be able to say to someone, “Hey you, you’re the one that almost got away.”